Past written texts:
85/01/04

The vanishing
I watched the film today. It could be the story of my life. Still is. In search of something in the rest of your life. No matter what. but it uses up all you memory and mind. It uses up all your passion and songs. It uses up all your strength, and if you are waiting for the day that you'll forget, you'll let go of it, IT'S NEVER.
I didn't cry for the drama. But I was scared. For I have sacred places too. Sacred collection of songs. I never refer to them, for I dunno what's gonna happen to me. I do have dreams also. and when I wake up I search for a sign I search for a meaning. And there's always someone to preach me, to try to convince me that I must go after something meaningful in my life.
But my life has got its own meaning.
I have a lost teacher (I've told about). One thing he taught me was to never censor myself. now I'm in the situation. I have nothing in my life to hide from ANYONE. I've revealed everything to my parents. To my everyone. I've written it. I've cried it. And now, I'm known by all of them.
Everyone knows that I have dreams of lost desires.
Everyone knows, I won it by becoming a loser.
Everyone knows the reason why I'm always after new songs to sing my life.
Everyone knows that I'll never creep outta my childish cover.
.
.
.
But still everyone knows very little.
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These days passed unconsciously. I wasn't home. I was the mother of 4 children. Two 16 year old boys. A girl 6 month younger than me. and another 7 year old baby.
Because of that short 24 hours the 7 year old baby still calls me mommy. I was a good mommy indeed. I took off my sport close and I wore like Indian women does. That way I more looked like mommies. I washed their dishes. I warmed their meals. I slept them. I played with them. and i made them call me mommy instead,
Wow. It's much of fun to be a mommy. I told my own mommy about it and she said. that's how virtual things are. Much of fun. She added, but for me it's more worriness than fun when you are sick, when you are sad, when you are unsatisfied, .........
I dunno. I still consider it a fun. To raise a baby. And to give all your life for it. to make that baby a better man. Not one like yourself. Better, the best.
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My birthday's gone. I didn't make wishes really. i had no candle light to blow out. I didn't even talk to the moon, to the god. I didn't have the chance for any of them. i didn't talk to my persimmon tree. i didn't do many things that I always used to do on my birthdays. but no matter. What matters is that I feel like I am 21. And I am satisfied with that. For I don't really wish to be a sweetheart 18. I don't mind that I'm not a teen any more. What matters is what I feel at heart. And what I feel at heart is hard to explain.
I received a very beautiful song lyric for my birthday. I haven't heard the song yet. But right now I'm downloading it. For this song will always remind of the time that I was a brand new 21 year old girl
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I donno when Iran TV showed SO FAR SO CLOSE. But it was when I watched it for the first time. It was wonderful and I'm still so really sorry for it didn't go for Oscar.
In film there was scene in which I felt like flying. Oh let me explain it.
In my room is placed in the upper floor of the house. And its windows opens to the yard. The window is so big. 3 meter length and 2 meters height. My bed is placed right under the window. And when ever i sleep i have a big part of sky in frontta me. The south sky. In this sky there is group of stars that i always meet in the night or midnight. In this starry night, there are 7 starts that catches my eyes more than other. One is my love star. The other 6 are always together. 3 in one line and another 3 in another. One group is on horizon line and the other is on vertical. I named the stars when I was 14 years old. When I finished the book "three musketeers. I named 4 of them after 4 musketeers and the other 2 after 2 other precious characters of mine.
the 6 stars are the one's that I always talk to, and i call them my best friends and ... well they've always meant so much to me.
The 6 stars that I'm talking about are exactly the ones that are mentioned and addressed in the film. SAHABIE JABBAR. And if you've seen the film and if you also remember the scene that I'm talking about, you'll also remember that in film it was said if you look at them at the Norouz night and make a wish, your dream will come true.