10 hours remaining to new year

10 hours remaining to new year.
last night i stayed awake as much as i could to think over the year passed.
thing's i've gained, and things i've lost. mostly friends.
all the good and bad i did.
all the happiness and sadness i brought to my family and friends life.
all the lonelinesses i made.
how much i loved, how much i hated.
how i cried and laughed.
how i shouted and sympathized.
all the new places i saw.
all the new people i met.
all the new things i learned.
all the dreams i made come true.
all the dreamers dreams i made come true.
all the good i forgot, all the bad i learnt.
this year again i lost a best freind. a teacher. i don't know how. but i lost it. i lost something i build all my last year upon. something i remembered of the most. and all was strength when i used to think about it.
oooooh. this one's so complicated to be said in this rush hour of the last year.
back when i was a child, it was realy hard to imagine me 21. it was even hard to imagine me 18. i used to watch mommy's journals and i used to envy the beautiful models. there was a woman among them that i wished the most to look like her when i grow young. i always used to imagine me with short skirts and long legs. that time i used to think i'll be married by age 21, i was only 6! or maybe less.
i remember the time that i assumed 20 as the biggest number. i mentioned it and my brother said: 1000 is bigger than 20. even 1000 isn't the biggest number. i remember i went to mommy complaining that "behrooz says 20 isn't the biggest number." i expected mommy to correct him.
can you believe that the only reason that made me go to school was mommy scaring me of my fututing becoming a servent washing toilets? not to wash the toilets in future was the only motive for me to go to school.
i started writing diaries since i was 10. after 11 years i write still the same. with the same theme. in my diaries i used to write:
dear older mona? you fine? you ok? have you turned into beautifull lady or no? are you happy? are you as wise as me!?
this used to be the first line of almost all the new texts.
this year has new song to me again. a french song by joe dassin. in future, when it becomes another memory, it'll be a memory of a girl who gazed into a blue picture and sank in it. memory of me who was about to dance to the rythme of this new year's song. in this memory i'll always have short brown hair, brown eyes and eyebrews with a face laughing. eyes shining. legs shaking of a desire to dance in the middle of a cafe.
what will i become 365 days after this? will my hair be still the same? or i've dyed it? NO! NEVER!
you know? i still haven't started learning the things i was to start befor the new year. i was to start learning french. i was to get my driving license. i was to learn making websites. i was to finally start wrting a book...........
and i also was to finish so many things i've started long befor and i still am struggeling. i have started reading so many architectures book and i'm still on!!!! at summer i translated a book and i started translating another and it's still unfinished!
instead there are things that i've done and done and overdone. i've read so many litrature books(mommy and daddy are both worrid about my eyes). i've watched too many films. i've taken soooooooo many pictures. i've downloaded so much of music. i've talked so much. i've gone to k-pub more than usual.
there are also things that i've done and i'm all satisfied with them and i won't menton them here for i don't like you to .... .leave it!:D
important events that taken place this year:
1-we have a new member in family. (my sister married)
2-i made one of my dreams come true. (that's the thing i don't wanna mention here)
3-i met a gentleman. i was about to fall in love that ........:)) no. nothing happened.
4- i might start working with a group. i'm still thinking about it. that's depending on so many factors. the biggest factor is i must start studing harder than ever. (anyway, all the decistion and opportunity is because of what happend this year)
5-i cut my hair
6-i started taking blue pills!!!!
7-i revealed one of my biggest secrets to 3 of freinds.
8-i REstarted my freindship with 2 and half of old freinds.
9-i fell outta love. (i thought it was love). NO. none of you readers can guess whome i mean. NO. not even you.:D NO. it was in a much different way.
10-i started having strange dreams.
11- i quited listening to a colection of my favourite songs.
12-i started this weblog.
13- i got acquainted with a precious freind who encouraged me to start this weblog.
14-i made an sketch of my desire house.(it's sooooo simple and cute)
15-for the first time in my life there was a sitiuation in which i felt like a princess, or maybe a queen.
16-i realized without my mother i will simply die. i won't be killed. it will be a natural death. i've got reasoble certifications.
17-.i realized it's we that decide what is the best. there is no ideal best in the world. there are no factors for determining the best. that's how we value something, someone.
18-i think, i guess(i mean i'm not sure)....the biggest art is to have a kind pure heart. is to make other people dreams come true. to value their desires.for me Amilie is still the portrait of an angel. this idea came to my mind yesterday. yesterday belongs to this old year.
19-i gained a freedom that never in my life i've ever had.
.
.
at time i can't remember of so many things. so this part is to be continued.
there are also things that has remained unchanged in me:
1-i'm still childish.
2-i still believe most importants events of our life take place when we haven't scheduled them
3-i still believe no one will ever love me like my parents does.
4-i still believe in God. more than ever. prettier than ever. it's increasing as time passes by. it's been so since i realized what God is.
5-i still wish to be beautiful.
6-i still donno if i was guilty
7-i still am weak in showing my parents how much i love them.
8-i still donno what profession i'll have in future(if i may have any profession)
9-i still donno if i'll forget or no.
10-
.
.
.
things that made me happy this year:
1-having that dream come true:D
2-people who told me i'm goodlooking
3-gaining the freedom i never had
4-succeeding in studing harder than befor(university lessons i mean)
5-my daddy promising to pay money for 3 essentiol demands of mine
6-daddy buying me something
7-daddy and mommy showing me new emotions.
8-every book i bought brough happiness to my life
9-that teacher
10-REstarting my friendship....
11-having that new precious friend. everytime we talk it's a big fun and happiness
12-every message i recieved from a friend made me happy.
13-my sister and i sleeping on my parents twin bed and my sister reading me books till i sleep
14-the new member made me both happy and sad.( the sad part is i don't have my sister as much as i used to have). (the happy part is .....soooooooooo much)
15-
.
.
.

to be continued.
P.S.dear fizi, i missed your message in which you introduced some architecture sites. thank you for your comments.(as long as i haven't used my english for so long i'm forgetting words. that's why i switch to wrting in farsi.)

.اونقدر نازمو کشید که پاره شد. منم تصمیم گرفتم کلی نازشو بکشم
!!ببینم خوشش میاد

.پ.ن. ممنون از لینکها، فیزی. خیلی خوب بود.

www.arcspace.com

.راستش خیلی به خودم فشار آوردم تا بالاخره دلم راضی شد این سایت رو اینجا معرفی کنم
اگر معماری می خونید که شک نکنید این سایت خیلی به دردتون می خوره. اگرهم معماری نمی خونید ولی ذوق معماری دارید هم، 1 سر بزنید بد نیست

تنها چیزی که همین الانه حوس کردم 1 دوربین توپه که باهش برم عکاسی. قراره موبایلی که در آینده خواهم داشت (گوش شیطون کر) بفروشم، با پولام بگذارم رو هم، باهشون 1 دوربین بخرم
بابا جان میگن آخر مگه تو عکاسی؟
منم می گم، آخر بابا جان، چرا که نشم؟
.از این مدل حرفا زیاد می شنوم من
آخر مگه تو نقاشی؟
آخر مگه تو مترجمی؟
آخر مگه تو نویسنده یی؟
آخر مگه تو موزیسینی؟

راست می گن آخه. من هیچ کدوم نیستم. ولی خوب پس من چه کارم؟

(بابا جان می گن شما خانم معماری. (بابان دیگه. از این حرفا بابا جان به من نزنه، کی بزنه

.دیشب رفته بودیم خرید، 1 آقا دایره زنه اومد جلو که بهش پول بدم. کف دایرشم 2 تا 200 تومانی بود
.گفتم ، خوب آقا جان، شما یکم دایره بزن ببینم اصلا دلم شاد میشه که بخوام پولی بدم
!!!!گفت ، محرمه. شما همین جوری کمک کن

مرز بین واقعیت و رویا خیلی باریکه ها.
امروز با ناراحتی از مامانم پرسیدم، یعنی به نظر شما ........؟
مامانم خیلی ساده فقط گفتن نه.
گفتم آخه خودتون گفتین!
مامانم با تعجب نگام کردن، پرسیدن من کی گفتم؟!
منم خیلی راحت بی خیال قضیه شدم، گفتم احتمالا خواب دیدم.
واقعا هم فقط می خواستم مطمئن بشم که خواب دیده بودم.
مکافاتی دارم منم با این خواب دیدنم!

از لارا فابیان هم 2-3 تا آهنگ دانلود کردم.
"I will love again"
از هر خواننده که می خوام آهنگ دانلود کنم، می بینم حداقل 1 آهنگ مشترکا با خانم لارا پازینی خونده. و الحق این خانم با هر کس خونده صداشو تحت الشعاع قرار داده. باریکلا لارای ناز و مهربون!

1 مشکل جدید هم به مشکلاتم اضافه شد. دارم فکر می کنم، من به کیا باید عیدی بدم؟ خوب بالاخره منم تا چند روز دیگه 21 سالم میشه.

Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between dream and reality. This astonishment kept me in bed for 3 extra hours today, and I slept till 10 am.
Last night I didn’t really have a lonely celebration. I mean after I made myself some banana milk and danced with a glass in my hand with Ti Amo I heard the door opened and my sister with her hus appeared. So we had our 4Shanbe Soori with another family friend. Mostly including fathers and mothers and si-si girls. I really wished I had my celebration alone than to go to the other end of town to greet the people I was seeing most of them for the very first time. Time to say goodbye was the only moment that my eyes shined of happiness.
Has it ever happened to you that you'd be in lack of money to buy birthday gifts? Right now I'm in 19000 toman debt. all because of the books I've bought recently. Mommy believes I'm an addict. She's right. Beside the sickness of expressing me, addiction is another sickness that bothers me :D. I've asked both mommy and daddy that instead of buying me gifts, give me the money, for first of all I have to pay my depts. And they wonder why not even a little I resemble them. They're never in debts. and to tell you the truth buying gifts ain't the only thing that bothers me. There are too many books in K-pub that has been seducing me for days to buy them.
My internet connection is such a sucker today. I can't download music. And I can't open so many pages. Beside last night celebration and also nightmares I had, this is another bugger that comes to ruin my day. My lucky day it must be.
I'd better leave. Today I got nothing to write but nagging.
That's how I passed the celebration. L

I don't mind if you laugh at me. I won't mind if you mock. I'll also laugh with you. Not laughing. I know it's grinning. But I still won't mind. I know it's funny. Funny that last night, Ti Amo was in a shape of a dancing heart and today, it's in shape of tears. It's funny, I don't deny. But it's all God's fault, I don't lie.
My astonishment remains. That dream doesn’t leave my mind. And I wonder how, why, why, why, I had to dream that dream!
15 days ago I had a magnificence dream. That dream broke all the spells. I woke up and danced to the rhythm of happiness. Rhythm of earth heart beat and melody of my love songs. Love songs in shape of dreamful reality. But still love song. For 15 days I lived happily. In the character of beautiful girl. Lonely but happy. For 15 days I had all my dreams alive. I could dance with any rhythm, coz I had all the melodies on my mind. Last night another spell spread it's web on me. Chained my heart and imprisoned me. 3 words dream spell was stronger that the kiss spell. I don't know how Sleeping beauty and Snow White's spell broke with a single kiss, while my spell ain't breaking even with …

چقدر نمی فهمم من! از این همه نفهمیدن در شگفتم! چه حکمتی داره هی و هی خواب دیدن کسانی که رفتن برای همیشه. یا خدا خواب منو با خواب یک نفر دیگه قاطی کرده, یا اینکه حضرت خوابگرد می خواسته بره تو خواب یکی دیگه و سر از خواب من در آورده.
هنوز که یادمه بگذارین همینجا ثبتش کنم. من داشتم زار می زدم که بهم گفت: جان؟ چی شده؟ درست مدلی که خودم به یک نفری که داره گریه میکنه, میگم: جان چی شده.
همین یک جمله گند زد به روزم رفت. میخواستم بهش بگم, گندت بزنن. این مهربونیا به تو نیومده. ولی به جاش از خواب پریدمو تا 3 ساعت بعد تو جام غلت زدم.

I found some of Helene Segara tracks. Yes. It was wonderful. Her voice is great.
But what I listen these days is mostly a song named I'll Make Love To You. By Boys 2 Men. It's about celebrating a girl birthday. And well, if you don't know I must inform you that on march 22nd it's my birthday. Tonight is 4Shanbe Soori, and although during the past month, I've made so many plans for tonight, but all screwed up. Still I don't know if there'll be somewhere to go. Right now one might call and ask me somewhere. But so far I'm to stay at home and celebrate all alone. My bros are far away. And my sister and her husband got some private plans :D. our celebration is gonna be on Friday with my bros back home and all the family. So I ain't complaining. I'm an expert in celebrating all alone.:D
Uh-oh, i remembered something to say here. Today in front of 50 people including university professors and students I stood up to talk about architecture and concrete. All the attendees were civil engineers and they were making contracts of their future works and participations in concrete activities. In architecture univ we also study about concrete constructions. But while we have only 2 units, civil students have 10 units all about concrete. But about the use of concrete in constructions and elevations … of course it's architects that know the best. so after 2 boys and a girl among students went to talk about what a student must do in such communities, I raised my hand and asked if I could talk! I was let and while I was shivering from legs part I went in frontta that 50 to talk about architects place in concrete community. Fortunately it didn't turn out bad. And my speak seemed reasonable to the attendees.
But well, sometimes you have to put away all your doubts and shyness to enter the scientific communications. And in further future work battle field.
And of course what encouraged me to talk was a professor named Dr Abrishami. Today he made one of the best speeches I've ever heard. One of those great men that I always wish we had more in Iran.
HAPPY 4SHANBE SOOORIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.
I'm leave to go celebraaate.
p.s. thank you Mr. or Mrs. Anonymous Helen segara Ti Amo song is great.

من گفته بودم جیرجیکارو دوست دارم, نگفته بودم؟
الانم یه جیرجیرکه داره با سازدهنیش, اهنگ تنهاییه خودشو می خونه. آخیییییی
کی می دونه آلن سگارا چه جوری نوشته میشه؟ میخوام برم آهنگاشو دانلود کنم. یه خانوم با سلیقه گفته اهنگاش قشنگه.
دارم "تلخکامی برای سه خابگرد" رو می خونم. از جناب مارکز. یه اقا مهربونه که عقیده داره صدای من شبیه صدای فروغ فرخزاده, گفته تا همه ی کتابای مارکزو نخوندم نرم سراغ "زنده ام تا روایت کنم". چشم.
فعلا با این فونته بی ریخت بسوزین و بسازین تا من فونته خوشگل پیدا کنم

yesterday was:
1384/12/12
2006/3/3
1427/2/2
specail day in calenders. wasnt it?

we are rebuilding the 1st floor of the house. one of the workers that work on the house is a 18 year old boy. today i went upstair to see their work that i heard him singing:
"zendegi ay zendegi...
khaste am
khaste am"

translation:
"life! oh life!
i'm tired"

his father was sent to jail when he was 3. he is living with a 15 year old brother and his mother. so he is the one who works to support a family.
when he was singing the song i liked to stay and talk to him. tell him that i'm tired too. that well... i'm not doing physical works. i'm not worried about feeding a family. i don't lack money. but i'm just as tired. so tired that i love to listen to him singing "khaste am, khaste am". that i lack too much too. i lack something that i can't buy it even with selling the earth, the universe. that what i lack can be what he never lacks in his future. that i would envy him. that i do envy him. and i am tired too.
i didn't have the chance to tell him any of these. i just ran downstairs. made some benana milk for us.
when i asked him to stop his work to drink the benana milk he blushed. i stayed back till he drank it all. when he was returning the glass, i asked if he liked it. he nodded yes and blushed again. i'm sure he would've blushed with every other word. i'm sure that he never had ....
and he also never had....
he hadnt even ...
or even....

i've made some new decisions today. that from now on on the way back home i will get off the taxi sooner, so that i have a long way walk to home. actually long way run to the house. this will have some advantages of course. i'll save 50 tomans a day! i'll do some excersize. and of course i can think better when i run.
there of course exist some disadvantages too. one is that mommy didnt like my idea at all and claimed that i'm not a child anymore!!! there are more. but i'm an optimist. so let all the disadvantages be! i do what i like to do.

room status: everyone's asleep except me and my sister. the fun thing is that lately my sister and i are again sleeping in the same room and again after 10 years or more on the same bed. (my parents twin bed). we'll be sleeping in this room and on this bed till we have the house ready. that means for almost a month! NO NO. don't get me wrong! I aint complaining! :)
music: demis roussos--->forever and ever
sister: reading a book
me: happy and worried about tommorrow exam
if you ask why i keep on writing here while i always nag about lack of time? that's because i'm the one who likes experesing herself in any possible way. or she'll blow up. there are so many people like this. believe me. you can even consider it a sickness! i myself consider it a sickness.
have you read Milan Kundra's Immortaliy? read it and you'll know!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060932384/002-1963892-5276069?v=glance&n=283155

so, writing for me is like eating and sleeping. so, don't ever question me about this again;)

the most blue sky.

a village
Originally uploaded by ladyinchains.

today we went gardening. we bought some new trees and flowers to plant and we had a nice job there. well believe me! gardening's the most refreshing work in the world.

the soil everywhere, was rememberng the memory of green sleeves. and we had a heavy warm rain all over the city.

have you heard the Norooz red fishes are sick??? don't buy them from unreliable places.

on sunday i have a final exam and a conferance on wednesday. i haven't studied for any of them and at time i'm busy reading "The NewYork Atumn" movie script. http://www.weeklyscript.com/Autumn%20In%20New%20York.txt

back from gardening and so much tired. much of homework and classes for tommorrow. i feel pity for the poor me.
also sorry about the shots i've lost today, i'm thinking of having a better camera as soon as possible. i couldnt really have a fine shot of the most blue purple sky i've seen since i donno when.
visiting the Simply Scripts site seduces me to go and buy some new DVDs.
i like to watch "the newyork atumn" once more. and also "shine".

i remember one of ur professors claiming that there are only 2 misfortunes in all his life. 1-lack of time 2-much of fat:D
now i see that LACK OF TIME is becoming my misfortune either. 24 hours a day aint enough for anyone!

i was left on the snow

i was left on the snow
Originally uploaded by ladyinchains.

winter is passing by either. and right when it ends i'll born and my spring starts.
green as i am.
happy as i smile.
i'll dance in it's rain.
i'll sing with it's new born birds.
i'll fly with it's clouds.
i'll run to catch the wind...

winter's becoming another bittersweet memory. and i've spread all my memories all around. i've sung it, written it, recorded it, orr....
just take a look at photo!