10 hours remaining to new year

10 hours remaining to new year.
last night i stayed awake as much as i could to think over the year passed.
thing's i've gained, and things i've lost. mostly friends.
all the good and bad i did.
all the happiness and sadness i brought to my family and friends life.
all the lonelinesses i made.
how much i loved, how much i hated.
how i cried and laughed.
how i shouted and sympathized.
all the new places i saw.
all the new people i met.
all the new things i learned.
all the dreams i made come true.
all the dreamers dreams i made come true.
all the good i forgot, all the bad i learnt.
this year again i lost a best freind. a teacher. i don't know how. but i lost it. i lost something i build all my last year upon. something i remembered of the most. and all was strength when i used to think about it.
oooooh. this one's so complicated to be said in this rush hour of the last year.
back when i was a child, it was realy hard to imagine me 21. it was even hard to imagine me 18. i used to watch mommy's journals and i used to envy the beautiful models. there was a woman among them that i wished the most to look like her when i grow young. i always used to imagine me with short skirts and long legs. that time i used to think i'll be married by age 21, i was only 6! or maybe less.
i remember the time that i assumed 20 as the biggest number. i mentioned it and my brother said: 1000 is bigger than 20. even 1000 isn't the biggest number. i remember i went to mommy complaining that "behrooz says 20 isn't the biggest number." i expected mommy to correct him.
can you believe that the only reason that made me go to school was mommy scaring me of my fututing becoming a servent washing toilets? not to wash the toilets in future was the only motive for me to go to school.
i started writing diaries since i was 10. after 11 years i write still the same. with the same theme. in my diaries i used to write:
dear older mona? you fine? you ok? have you turned into beautifull lady or no? are you happy? are you as wise as me!?
this used to be the first line of almost all the new texts.
this year has new song to me again. a french song by joe dassin. in future, when it becomes another memory, it'll be a memory of a girl who gazed into a blue picture and sank in it. memory of me who was about to dance to the rythme of this new year's song. in this memory i'll always have short brown hair, brown eyes and eyebrews with a face laughing. eyes shining. legs shaking of a desire to dance in the middle of a cafe.
what will i become 365 days after this? will my hair be still the same? or i've dyed it? NO! NEVER!
you know? i still haven't started learning the things i was to start befor the new year. i was to start learning french. i was to get my driving license. i was to learn making websites. i was to finally start wrting a book...........
and i also was to finish so many things i've started long befor and i still am struggeling. i have started reading so many architectures book and i'm still on!!!! at summer i translated a book and i started translating another and it's still unfinished!
instead there are things that i've done and done and overdone. i've read so many litrature books(mommy and daddy are both worrid about my eyes). i've watched too many films. i've taken soooooooo many pictures. i've downloaded so much of music. i've talked so much. i've gone to k-pub more than usual.
there are also things that i've done and i'm all satisfied with them and i won't menton them here for i don't like you to .... .leave it!:D
important events that taken place this year:
1-we have a new member in family. (my sister married)
2-i made one of my dreams come true. (that's the thing i don't wanna mention here)
3-i met a gentleman. i was about to fall in love that ........:)) no. nothing happened.
4- i might start working with a group. i'm still thinking about it. that's depending on so many factors. the biggest factor is i must start studing harder than ever. (anyway, all the decistion and opportunity is because of what happend this year)
5-i cut my hair
6-i started taking blue pills!!!!
7-i revealed one of my biggest secrets to 3 of freinds.
8-i REstarted my freindship with 2 and half of old freinds.
9-i fell outta love. (i thought it was love). NO. none of you readers can guess whome i mean. NO. not even you.:D NO. it was in a much different way.
10-i started having strange dreams.
11- i quited listening to a colection of my favourite songs.
12-i started this weblog.
13- i got acquainted with a precious freind who encouraged me to start this weblog.
14-i made an sketch of my desire house.(it's sooooo simple and cute)
15-for the first time in my life there was a sitiuation in which i felt like a princess, or maybe a queen.
16-i realized without my mother i will simply die. i won't be killed. it will be a natural death. i've got reasoble certifications.
17-.i realized it's we that decide what is the best. there is no ideal best in the world. there are no factors for determining the best. that's how we value something, someone.
18-i think, i guess(i mean i'm not sure)....the biggest art is to have a kind pure heart. is to make other people dreams come true. to value their desires.for me Amilie is still the portrait of an angel. this idea came to my mind yesterday. yesterday belongs to this old year.
19-i gained a freedom that never in my life i've ever had.
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at time i can't remember of so many things. so this part is to be continued.
there are also things that has remained unchanged in me:
1-i'm still childish.
2-i still believe most importants events of our life take place when we haven't scheduled them
3-i still believe no one will ever love me like my parents does.
4-i still believe in God. more than ever. prettier than ever. it's increasing as time passes by. it's been so since i realized what God is.
5-i still wish to be beautiful.
6-i still donno if i was guilty
7-i still am weak in showing my parents how much i love them.
8-i still donno what profession i'll have in future(if i may have any profession)
9-i still donno if i'll forget or no.
10-
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things that made me happy this year:
1-having that dream come true:D
2-people who told me i'm goodlooking
3-gaining the freedom i never had
4-succeeding in studing harder than befor(university lessons i mean)
5-my daddy promising to pay money for 3 essentiol demands of mine
6-daddy buying me something
7-daddy and mommy showing me new emotions.
8-every book i bought brough happiness to my life
9-that teacher
10-REstarting my friendship....
11-having that new precious friend. everytime we talk it's a big fun and happiness
12-every message i recieved from a friend made me happy.
13-my sister and i sleeping on my parents twin bed and my sister reading me books till i sleep
14-the new member made me both happy and sad.( the sad part is i don't have my sister as much as i used to have). (the happy part is .....soooooooooo much)
15-
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to be continued.
P.S.dear fizi, i missed your message in which you introduced some architecture sites. thank you for your comments.(as long as i haven't used my english for so long i'm forgetting words. that's why i switch to wrting in farsi.)